Something Happened

Something happened the other day and it was a milestone or sorts for me. However, I am not sure exactly what it means nor am I sure that I am happy about it. My grandfather passed on December 23rd; he was a wonderful man and we were very close. We spoke three or four times a week and I never went a week without seeing him at least twice. I always felt that my kids were fortunate to have a great-grandfather and we took full advantage of that by spending a lot of time together.

So what happened?

This past Sunday, less than two months from his death I did something I have not done since that dreary, cold night just before Christmas………….. I went through a day without thinking about him. Is that good or bad? I don't know. It was no ordinary day though, three functions with the kids (one each) cleaning and prepping the house for Sunday dinner with the extended family and all the other activities that are required.

Every time we have sat down to have dinner as a family, parents, brother, grandmother included, I have always though about him and said to myself, it is not complete. However on his day the family was over for dinner and the activities overlapped. I ran in the house with my youngest coming from a birthday party …. The family was already eating ….. I scarfed down ravioli as fast as I could, not taking time to enjoy them or the company I was in…… and out the door again with my oldest for a basketball game.

So it was not a typical dinner where there was a lot of conversation and time together. But late that evening, as I was preparing my work for the coming Monday, it hit me. How could I not have missed my grandfather today. HOW?

I am comforted by the fact that I have no regrets, that I spent so much time with him and that I loved him and he knew it. Maybe that is why the transition to life without him has been relatively easy. There is not one thing I wish I would have done, nor one activity I didn't get to, nor a conversation we didn't have.

Maybe that is the lesson to learn, it is ok to go a day without missing a loved one because it means you cherished and valued the time that you had together and took full advantage of it.
I still wish he was here but I am so very happy that I have no regrets. And it is ok to not miss someone and more importantly we must make sure we live our lives so we can move on after a death and not be saddled with ……… what ifs and why nots or how come I didn'ts.